Help Me
by jordanrae17
Summary: Set right after the end of "Forgiving Rollins". Amanda runs out of the therapist's office and doesn't know where she can run. She ends up outside Olivia's apartment door.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: ****I haven't published anything in a while because I didn't know what to write. After last week's SVU episode "Forgiving Rollins" this idea popped into my head. Warning- if you haven't seen the episode there might be some spoilers, especially about the ending. I'm really trying guys to see if I could possibly make this into a multi-chapter story instead of just a one-shot like I've been doing. Don't be afraid to review if you love, hate, or think I should continue! **

**Trigger warning! Do not read if rape scenes upset you. Rated M for a reason. **

Amanda Rollins couldn't breather. She had tried to go see Liv's therapist, but just could not bring herself to do it. As she walked down the street, she didn't know what to do, or where to turn. She couldn't go home, and right now she was too upset to even go to a bar and forget her problems in a bottle. All she wanted to do was shrivel up in a ball and pretend the world no longer existed.

Amanda kept walking. She felt like she had walked forever when she finally stopped outside a familiar apartment building. It was Olivia's building. She didn't even realize she was walking toward it. Against her internal thoughts, her feet moved on their own and the propelled her inside, and then up to Olivia's apartment. .

Inside Olivia Benson was sitting down with a small glass of wine in her hand after putting Noah down to bed. She didn't usually drink, but after the day she had had she really needed just a little something. Olivia couldn't stop herself from thinking about Amanda. She really hoped she went and saw her therapist. She wasn't trying to be forceful, just helpful. She knew Rollins was never one to ask for help, but she needed it. Just as Olivia was thinking these thoughts she heard a quiet, almost timid knock at the door.

Olivia got up instantly and rushed to the door. She looked through the door's peep-hole to see no one other than Amanda Rollins. Olivia opens the door immediately and Amanda looks almost shocked.

"Oh Liv, I'm… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come here," Amanda tries to get out through her own sobs. She turns to leave when Olivia gently reaches for her wrist.

"No, Rollins, it's okay. Why don't you come inside?" Olivia asked her in a gentle tone.

Amanda couldn't help but feel safe for the first time in a while. She couldn't keep up her brick wall any longer. Her body reached for Olivia's and she fell into her arms sobbing.

"I tried Liv... I really tried. I went to the therapist's office. but I couldn't do it. I didn't know where to go," Amanda bawls.

"Shhh, it'll be alright Amanda. I promise you, you will be okay. Now why don't we go sit inside and I can get you something to drink." Olivia pulls Amanda up from her chest and looks her in the eyes. Amanda quietly nods and follows Liv into the apartment.

"Just have a seat on the couch. Make yourself at home. Can I get you something to drink? I have water, red wine, and maybe even some bourbon if I dig enough."

"Uhhh maybe just a small glass of wine," Amanda says in a defeated tone.

Olivia bring her the wine and the two sit and sip their drink in silence. Finally Amanda break it by saying, "Well, thanks for the drink, Liv, but I had better get going. I'll see you tomorrow at work."

"Hey, wait up Amanda," Olivia speaks while reaching for her. "I think you should stay. I don't want you going home to an empty house tonight."

"I swear Liv, I won't eat my gun or do something stupid. I've been fine for the past five years, and I'll be fine for the next five."

"That's my point Amanda. You've gone through this all alone for the past five years. Let me help you, so that you can start moving on with your life." Olivia gave Amanda a look she couldn't deny. She knew how much Liv really did want to help her.

"I guess I can stay for one night Liv."

"Good, now that that is settled, let me help you find where everything is. I just have to grab some blankets and sheets from the bathroom closet and then the bedroom is yours."

"Oh no Liv, I'm not kicking you out of your own bedroom and making you sleep on the couch. I will take it, and it'll be fine."

"You don't have to Amanda, really it's okay."

"No, I refuse to make you sleep on the couch. If need be, I will leave, those are the conditions."

" Alright, alright." Olivia said finally giving in to the blonde.

_*** Later that Night***_

_Amanda Rollins was sleeping on the couch when all of a sudden she felt a handclasp over her mouth. She tried to scream and wake Olivia, but she couldn't. Her entire body was frozen. Deputy Chief Patton was on top of her and she couldn't do anything about it. _

_She looked from side to side to see Olivia's apartment slowly disappearing to black nothingness. Amanda was confused and scared. Deputy Chief Patton was paying no attention to her terror. He whispered in her ear, "You were so good all of those years ago, lets see if things have changed." _

_Suddenly they were both naked and Amanda could feel him pressing on the inside of her thigh. She couldn't breathe or even think anymore. All could could feel was him ever so slowly pushing into her. "Ahh that's right darlin'. Been keeping it nice and tight for Daddy, you know just how I like it, dontcha?" _

_Every part of Amanda's body was burning. It was just like the first time, she felt herself trying to stretch, but unable to. She could feel her inside tearing and the blood seeping out of her._

"_You're being so good baby," Patton cooed in her ear. "Just a little longer" _

_Patton started thrusting even harder into her. Amanda thought she was going to die. Right as Deputy Chief Patton was about to finish she felt something nudging her shoulder. _

"Ammanda? Amanda! Wake up, wake up!" Amanda's eyes shot open. "It's me, it's Olivia."

"Liv?" Amanda was looking at her but it was like her eyes were somewhere else, almost as if they were seeing right through her.

"It's me. You're safe now. I swear Amanda, he can't hurt you."

"Oh Liv!" Amanda broke down into sobs that racked her entire body. She collapsed into Olivia's lap.

"Shhh," Olivia whispered while stroking her hair." It'll be alright. Everything will be okay I promise you."

"He was right there, on top of me, inside of me. All I can remember is how much pain I was in and how much blood there was. He wouldn't stop. My insides were on fire. I thought I was going to die."

"I know Amanda, but you didn't. You lived, and you're here now. You're helping other people get the justice they deserve."

" Liv?" Amanda finally looks up at Olivia and sits up straight so they are equal.

"Yeah Amanda?"

"Can I ask you something? Something personal?" Amanda looks at Olivia when questioning eyes.

"Of course." Olivia answers.

Amanda takes a moment and then closes her eyes before asking, "Does sex ever get easier?"

Olivia is slightly shocked at the question, but hides it. " Well, I don't really know. I was never raped, so I can't imagine what you're feeling."

"I know, but, you know with Lewis and stuff. Sorry I asked I'm just…."

"No Amanda," Olivia interrupts her before she can continue. "It's really okay. The real truth is is that I don't know. Before Lewis sex between me and Brian was great, afterwards it was non existent. I mean at first we couldn't even kiss. By the time we worked up to actual sex we were both different. He was scared to push or hurt me. I was scared that I wasn't giving him enough while trying to hide any feelings of enjoyment. I know he tried, he tried so hard. He never pushed me, and was always there for me, but things just were never the same. I haven't had sex with anyone since." Olivia was shocked she had just said this. She had never talked to anyone about her sex issues with Brian, not even her therapist.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Liv," Amanda said with sad eyes.

"It's really no big deal. This is supposed to be about you. Now it's my turn to ask a personal question, why did you ask?"

Amanda stared into her eyes before slowly beginning, "Because, ummm well ever since my attack it isn't the same. I've tried. I have tried so hard to move on. Everytime I'm with someone it just feels, I don't know, like it's not always me. I try to push it out of my mind, but I just can't feel sexy, or even happy. I feel fine in the moment, but afterwards I always feel dirty and not right."

"I know what you mean." Olivia says while reaching for her forearm. She starts to stroke it because she can see Amanda having an internal debate with herself. "It's okay Amanda, you can tell me. I swear I won't tell anyone."

" Hmmm... " Amanda is looking at the ceiling with tears streaming down her eyes. Finally she looks down at the couch beneath her and says, "I'm scared. What if I can't?"

Olivia is slightly confused, but doesn't press the issue. She holds Amanda's hand and waits for her to continue.

"What if I can't ever…. again? What if sex is never the same? It's been five years and I can't even do it myself, let alone with anyone else" Amanda says while continuing to cry.

Olivia now realizes Amanda is talking about her ability to orgasm and experience pleasure during sex.

"Oh Amanda" Olivia says while squeezing her hand. "Look at me"

Amanda looks up into Olivia's eyes.

"I am 100% sure that you still CAN. Right now you're struggling because you haven't dealt with your attack. When you feel ready and relaxed and safe it will happen. And about the part about doing it yourself- you're just putting too much pressure on yourself. Next time just try to enjoy it, and not worry about the end result."

" Thanks, Liv," Amanda says quietly while looking at her.

"You're welcome. Now, I'm going to go back to bed. If you need anything just wake me up."

"Okay. I will." Amanda said back.

After Liv had gone to bed Amanda could only think about one thing. How she wanted Olivia to be the one to make her relax and feel safe again. She had had these thoughts about Olivia before, but never this strong. She thought about going and crawling in bed with her, but her better judgement told her she better not. She fell asleep that dreaming of Liv.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ** **So, here it is- chapter 2. A multi-chapter fic is new to me, so please if you have any ideas, comments, or anything else leave a review or pm me! Also if anyone is looking for a beta contact me. I'd be more than glad to help. :) **

It had been two weeks since Amanda spent the night on Olivia's couch. Two weeks since she spent the night dreaming about her. She was the only thing that kept Amanda's mind off of her own past. After having dealt with the rape by not actually dealing with it, her past was back to haunt her. For some reason she just couldn't block it out of her mind like she did the last time.

Amanda and Fin were just getting back from interviewing a victim when Olivia stepped out of her office and called Rollins in to talk to her. Fin looked at Rollins confused and his eyes were searching hers to see if she knew the reason for Liv calling her in .

"Will you be okay?" Fin worriedly asked her.

"Fin, I'm a big girl. I will be fine. It's just Liv after all. She probably just wants to talk to me about a case or something. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Alright, Amanda. If you say so."

Amanda timidly knocked on Olivia's closed door before entering her office.

"Amanda, come on in. The door is open."

"Soooo, Liv. You said you wanted to talk to me?" Amanda asked.

"Yeah I did. Have a seat. I just wanted to talk to you. You still seem stressed. Have you talked to someone?"

" You know Liv, I can't. I really can't. It just doesn't feel right.."

"Amanda you really need to talk to someone. I don't want this affecting your job."

Amanda thought to herself "_You're the only person I can talk to." _She wanted to say this to Olivia, but didn't want to throw the brunette off. She had never known Olivia to swing both ways, and she didn't think she would.

"I'll try to handle it Liv. I swear; I'll really work on it. I just don't know how to trust someone new."

" You can trust me Amanda."

"I know, I know," Amanda said it a quiet voice.

" Hey Amanda, I have an idea. Why don't we try going to dinner. I can get a sitter for Noah, and we can go for at least one night a week. If you ever need someone to talk to, come to me. I still wish you would see a therapist, but as long as you promise to talk to me I won't make it mandatory for your job." Olivia was looking at Amanda seriously. Amanda just sat there processing the deal for a couple of minutes. She had no problem with dinner with Olivia, but she wasn't so sure she liked the idea that she had to talk to Olivia about the rape, or go to a therapist. She didn't want to air her dirty laundry on Liv, but it was better than a stranger.

"Yeah. I can agree to that. It's better than psych evaluations and mandatory therapist updates in my file."

"Good, I'm glad we have an agreement. I'm free for dinner tonight or in two days on Wednesday."

"Oh umm how about tonight, that way it can just be done."

"Alright Amanda, I'll text you the address. See you around seven?"

"Yeah, see you then." Amanda replied and then walked out of the room. Amanda's head was spinning. How could she just have had agreed to that plan. She wanted to be WITH Liv, not have her be her "therapist". She wanted to talk to her about everything: her day, what type of coffee she liked, her favorite color, everything EXCEPT the rape.

*That Night At Dinner*

Amanda walked into the casual diner ten minutes late to find Olivia seated at a back booth. She was sipping on a water and still wearing her work clothes. Amanda wanted to turn and run before Olivia saw her, but moved too late. Olivia looked up and waved her over.

"Hey Amanda, I thought you weren't going to show."

"Well to be honest I thought about it," she said while taking a seat in the booth. "Look for today can we not talk about it? I just want to talk and think about something else for once."

"Amanda, I never wanted to meet you here just so you could spill all of your dirty little secrets. I know what it is liked to be constantly bugged and asked if you are okay. I'm not here for that. I'm here to talk about whatever, and if you need a distraction, I'll be that."

"Thanks Liv," Amanda said while smiling at Olivia warmly. Somehow the brunette always knew just what she needed.

The waitress came over and took their orders. The pair started to talk about work- something they both had in common. As their food was brought out and they both got to know each other more the topic of conversation started to drift. They went from Olivia's childhood friends to games Amanda and sister would play when they were younger. It was the first time Amanda had completely forgot about the rape in a long time without the help of gambling or alcohol. While thinking this Amanda decided to bring it up.

"You know Liv, this meal had been has been great. It's the first time I haven't thought it without the help of alcohol or gambling."

"I'm really glad. How has GA been going for you?"

"Actually really well. I go when I need to, but I'm slowly going less and less because I think about it less and less. Things have been rough the past couple of weeks, but I'll get through it. I always do," and with that the conversation drifted back towards lighter topics.

At the end of the evening Amanda and Olivia split ways. Olivia tried offering Amanda a ride home, but she refused. She said she wanted to walk, and then when she was ready she would catch a cab home. Liv knew Amanda would refuse no matter she said, so she let the blonde walk down the street.

As Amanda walked in silence to her apartment she couldn't stop thinking, questioning, and wondering what Olivia was doing. Amanda couldn't stop replaying her laugh over and over in her head. It was so sweet and easy-going. It was everything Amanda wanted to be. She knew Olivia had her own demons, but for some reason she always knew how to handle them, unlike herself.

Olivia and Amanda kept having dinner once a week: sometimes more, sometimes less depending on the week and the cases they were working. At first they were always a little awkward, never knowing where to start the conversation, but now after almost three months the awkwardness went away. They actually became a sort friends. Amanda stopped seeing these as required, but as something she always looked forward to. She would steal glances at Olivia's chest or her lips. Amanda always thought about making a move, but she never really knew how.

The opportunity would arise two weeks later in a little bar not far from Olivia's apartment.

**Leave a review with your thoughts. :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**I was so glad to see new followers and interest in this story! It makes this new writer so happy. :) Sorry for the long time in between updates. I will try to keep them all under two weeks. **

**P.S For timeline notes I'm imaging the story at the very beginning of April right now since it started in Jan and three full months have gone by. **

_Hey, you up for drinks tonight? _

Amanda's phone beeped with the incoming text message.

_Sure. When and where? _

She replied back.

_How about I meet you at this little place I know around 7? :) I'll text you the address in a bit. _

_Sounds good to me. See you then. :) _

This mystery man's name was Adam. He met Amanda in the subway. They both got on at the same stop. He said some cheesy line about needing the time and pretty soon they were talking. Before she could get off the subway he asked for her number and she gave it to him. He texted her immediately without being pushing and overbearing. Usually she would find a man taking this much attention in her annoying, but for some reason when he did it, it was actually kind of sweet.

This was going to be their second date together. For their first, he picked her up from her house with flowers and then took her out to eat at a nice, but cozy dinner. It was like he knew exactly what she liked. At the end of the night he leaned in for a kiss, but she turned her head for a peck on the cheek. He seemed a little off about it, but didn't comment when he said good night at her building's door step.

Amanda wanted to kiss him. She really did. She just couldn't make herself do it yet. She had tried getting into relationships in the past, but back then it was about sex to numb her pain. She didn't want to mess it up with Adam.

That night as she was getting ready to go out she got a text from Olivia.

_Hey, wanna come over? Noah will probably be out by 8:30. _

_Can't. Have a date. Maybe after? _

_No problem. I'll just talk to you tom. :) _

Amanda was just about to reply when she realized it was already 7 o'clock. She grabbed her jacket and ran out the door to meet Adam at the bar.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

The next day Amanda was sitting at her desk daydreaming about her date last night with Adam. They had some drinks and then split ways at the end of the night. It wasn't the actual date that was amazing. It was him. He was funny, caring, and always a gentleman.

When he went in for a kiss Amanda let him peck her delicate lips before she pulled away. He gave her a weak smile before pulling her into a big hug. He felt her tense and pulled away.

Amanda couldn't help but feel bad. He was the nicest guy she had ever been with, but she still didn't feel ready to dive in yet.

While all of these thoughts were racing through her head a delivery man walked into the SVU squad room.

"Amanda Rollins?"

"Yes?"

"I have a delivery." He said while holding a large bouquet of spring flowers.

Amanda stared in awe at them before grabbing them and setting them on her desk. She took out the card and it read-

_Hope you had a good time last night. Did I earn a proper kiss? XOXO- Adam _

Her heart skipped a beat while reading the note. The flowers were so sweet. He was so sweet. She told herself she had to let go and open up.

_Just got your gift. :) Yes you did. Tonight? _

The reply was almost instant.

_I'm free. I'll pick you up. :) How about 6:30? _

Amanda could not reply fast enough when she got another text.

_Wear a dress. We are going out. ;)_

Amanda's heart swelled with joy. She could not believe he was taking her somewhere that was nice enough to require a dress.

She walked towards Olivia's office.

"Can I get off early tonight?"

"Sure, you have no major open cases. Can I ask as a friend where you're going?"

"I have a date."

"Ooo," Olivia said excitedly. "With who?"

"His name is Adam. He is really sweet. I met him on the subway."

"Have fun!"

"I will," Amanda said. And with that, Amanda happily resumed work. She was excited to go out with Adam, but a small part of her wished Olivia would have asked her more about him. A small part of her wanted Olivia to be jealous.

Adam ended up taking her to a beautiful French restaurant that night that she had never even heard of before. He had just asked her a check when he reached over and took her hand in his.

"Did you like your flowers?" He asked her. His thumb was currently running up and down the side of her hand.

"Yes, they were beautiful. I loved them. This date has been incredible."

"So have you," he smiled. "How about I take you home?"

"I'd like that very much," Amanda said. She didn't want to the date to be over, but it was getting late.

When they arrived at Amanda's building's door Adam just looked at her. He didn't say anything. He just stared at her face as if he was trying to memorize every detail of it. He finally leaned in and whispered in Amanda's ear, "I'm going to collect my tiny gift now."

With that, he moved his lips to be right above hers. At last they touched, but just barely. He started to bring his hands every so gently up to her face. At that minute Amanda felt trapped. She really liked Adam, but could she really trust him? Trust him as much as she knew she trusted Olivia. The brunette still wouldn't leave the back of her mind.

Adam could tell her mind had started to wander somewhere. It was a place she went whenever he got too close to her. It was a place he felt he couldn't reach her anymore.

He moved his lips away from hers, but kept their foreheads touching.

"Amanda," he said in a worried voice.

"Don't, don't say it…" she pleaded with her eyes and voice.

"I don't know if I can do this. I want to be around you, but everytime I get too close you go somewhere away from me. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?" he asked her confused.

"No. No, I swear it isn't you. I'm just not so sure I'm completely ready for this." She said, looking down at the cement sidewalk.

"Well, when you are ready give me a call. I swear I'll pick up." With those last few promising words he left her standing alone outside her building.

**Okay guys, that was not what I expected at all. You probably noticed from chapter 2's ending. I swear the next chapter will be Olivia and Amanda in that little bar. :) **


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I'm back! I'm probably only going to be updating on weekends and the occasional Wednesdays just so you all know. Thanks for the new favorites and followers! Hope everyone enjoys this new chapter. Please don't be afraid to leave a review- even if it is just a sentence. I want to know you you all think. **

Amanda was in shock. She didn't know what to do. She was sad that Adam dumped her, but more mad at herself for the reason- she couldn't get intimate with someone. She felt horrible inside. She didn't want to go inside and be alone, but she didn't want to be with anyone except Olvia.

Amanda started walking toward her apartment. She didn't even realize it. Tonight felt just like that night months ago when she was alone and didn't know where to go. When she had reached Olivia's apartment complex she sent her a quick text hoping she was home.

_Hey, u busy? _

Olivia's reply was slow for her, but finally it came in.

_I'm out. Wanna join? At the bar around the corner from my place. Babysitter w/ Noah. _

This made Amanda's mood brighten up a bit. Since Olivia was already out she didn't feel like she was bugging or invading on Liv's life.

_Sure. Be there in ten. _

Olivia was sitting alone at the bar when the young blonde walked in. She waved her over. The closer she got the more she realized something was off. She looked like she was about to start crying, or screaming, or both.

"Hey Amanda, how did you get here so fast?"

"Ahhh, ummm. I was just in the neighborhood when I got your text."

"Ok," Olivia replied. She didn't want to sound suspicious and alert Amanda. By now, she knew that if she wanted to talk she would do it on her own terms, and not with Olivia's prompting.

"Well, why don't you sit down and have a beer?" Olivia asked.

Amanda nodded and sat down on the worn bar stool. She got a beer and her and Olivia sat in silence while they both drank their drinks.

"How was your date tonight Amanda? Was it fun?" Olivia sales trying to get a conversation going.

"Yeah, it actually was. I don't think we will con on another though."

"Oh," Olivia looked more saddened by this than Amanda. "Why not?"

"Can we not really talk about that right here and now?

"Sure," Olivia said. She didn't want to make Amanda upset.

They passed the rest of the night in quiet, but casual conversation. Olivia brought up anything except Adam and their date. It was almost midnight when Olivia told Amanda she had to go. She only had the babysitter until 12.

"Hey, why don't you come over? Have a glass of wine. I'm sure Noah will asleep for the whole night."

Amanda wasn't so sure. She looked nervous when Olivia said quickly, "you don't have to if you don't want to. It was just a thought."

"No, it's a good idea."

"Alrighty then, let's get out of here." Olivia stood up and grabbed her jacket.

Amanda couldn't help herself from staring at Olivia. She was so beautiful and confident. When she bent over for her jacket Amanda caught sight of her full cleavage. Her breasts were slightly spilling over the tops of her bra cups.

Olivia could sense Amanda's eyes looking down her v-neck, but didn't really think anything of it. She was used to all sorts of people looking at her in a sexual way, and the majority of them were perps. At least her eyes looked on lovingly, instead of the sick way that most perverts did.

The Detective and Sergeant left the hole-in-the-wall bar together. They had both walked from Olivia's apartment to the bar. As they walked down the street Amanda had this overwhelming feeling to reach out and grab her hand. Olivia was the only person Amanda wanted to be physically close to.

When the two reached the inside of Olivia's apartment door Olivia told Amanda to make herself at home and that she would be right back. She just had to pay the babysitter and go check on Noah.

When she returned and the babysitter had left she pulled out a half-drank bottle of red wine and two glasses from the kitchen. She brought the drinks over and finally sat down.

"How is he? Is he asleep?" Amanda asked Olivia, breaking the silence that surrounded them.

"He's great and sleeping like a rock. I called the sitter after I had already put him down to sleep around nine. I wanted a little break, and I was actually just about to see if your date was over, and if you wanted to meet me at that bar for a couple of drinks. So Amanda, why were you in the area?"

Amanda barely registered the quick change and tone in their conversation.

"Umm, well I was actually coming to see you Liv."

"After your date, right?" Olivia was hoping that Amanda would tell her what had happened.

"Yeah, after my date." Amanda was being short and to the point. She was still trying to avoid the subject.

"So, what went wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing. It really was nothing." Amanda please don't lie to me. I thought we were finally becoming friends."

_I want to be more than friends, _Amanda thought.

"He told me he didn't want to see me any more."

"Why would he do that? I thought he was just buying you flowers and that he was head over heels for you."

"He was... He ended it after I couldn't kiss him."

"That low life dumped you because you wouldn't give him any?!" Olivia raised her voice, while making sure it wasn't too loud to wake up Noah.

" No, no, no. It wasn't like that. I couldn't hug him, hold his hand, or even stand a peck on the lips. He was so sweet and he was worried about me. He could tell something was wrong and he tried to talking to me, but I shut him out. He told me if I ever needed to talk or was ready for a relationship, I could call him anytime."

"Wow." Olivia said. "I'm so sorry Amanda."

"Don't be Liv. It's my fault. I just can't get past it."

"I know someday you will Amanda."

By this time both Olivia and Amanda were slightly tipsy. They had both had a couple of drink at the bar and a glass of red wine while sitting on the couch.

Olivia whispered quietly into the air, "I wish I could help you Amanda, but I just don't know how to because I can't even help myself."

"Maybe you can Liv." Amanda told Olivia in a soothing voice. If Amanda was ever going to make a move, it was going to be now. Before she could change her mind her quickly brought her petite lips to Olivia's full smooth ones.

Olivia was completely taken by surprise. She couldn't believe Amanda had pressed her lips to her own.

Amanda couldn't feel Olivia pressing back against her. She immediately drew her mouth away to look at Olivia's face. She saw nothing there but confusion.

"Uhh I'm sorry. I have to go," Amanda said while scrambling to grab her jacket and get off the couch.

"No, Amanda. Don't go. Please." Olivia reached out and grabbed Amanda's wrist. Amanda tried to read Olivia's face, but she couldn't read her emotions.

"It was a mistake Olivia."

"No, I don't think it was. I can feel you staring at me, my face, my breasts, from time to time, and I don't mind Amanda. You said it yourself, maybe we could help each other."

Amanda's mind was empty. She didn't know how to respond. Olivia could sense her hesitation. She pulled the blonde back down onto the couch and proceeded to press her lips against hers. Amanda was tense, but slowly relaxed into Olivia's body.

Olivia took this as a sign to push forward. She had never had sex with a woman, but she was never against the idea. She wanted to see what Amanda would do if she deepened the long kiss. She decided to find out.

Olivia open her mouth slightly and started to tease the outside of Amanda's lips. She was seeking permission to enter, when Amanda gave it to her. Amanda brought her hands up to the back of Olivia's head, pulling her closer and deeper into the everlasting kiss.

The pair eventually had to pull away for air. Olivia's hands were resting on Amanda's shoulders and their foreheads were resting against each other's.

"I'm so sorry." Amanda whispered.

"Don't be," replied Olivia.

"That was the first time I've kissed someone, and have been in the moment. It was the first time I haven't felt nervous, or used, or unsure." Amanda had started to ramble.

" Shhhh. Don't think Amanda. You control the situation. We only do what you want. You just do what you need to do to feel safe." Olivia told her in the most reassuring voice she had.

"What if I want more tonight?" Amanda hesitantly asked.

"You just take what you need baby."

Amanda didn't wait long. She didn't want Olivia to change her mind. She kissed Olivia for the second time that night. This time though she was more confident, and completely safe, and in control. She pushed Olivia back on the couch and let her hands roam all over her body. She couldn't imagine anyone feeling any softer or more comforting. She decided right then and there that unless Olivia told her to stop, she wouldn't.

**What do you guys think? Do you want the smut, or do you want to to just kind of skin over it? I need your input! :) **


	5. Chapter 5

**I got an overwhelming response for smut. I hope I do it justice. Thank you all for the reviews. Each and every single one brings immense joy to me. Enjoy!**

Amanda's small lips we pressed tight against Olivia's. To Amanda, they felt as smooth as melted butter on hers. She couldn't imagine doing anything else right now, than being tangled up with the brunette. She could feel Olivia's hands around her neck pulling her closer against her. Her feet were against the couch so that Amanda could lay perfectly in the crook of her legs.

Amanda's lips finally pressed for Olivia to open her, and let her enter her mouth. She happily obliged and gently licked the Detective's lower lip. Amanda still couldn't believe that she felt nothing but joy. Sure, she had the usual first time jitters, but other than that, she felt pure love.

Eventually Amanda's hands started wandering to Olivia's chest. Her thumbs skimmed Olivia's areola ever so slight, but Olivia couldn't help but moan at the contact.

"Hmm darling Amanda, that feels so good." Olivia whispered.

"Tell me what you want Liv. This is also about you."

"Shhhh, no it's not. It's about the both us us healing," and with those last few words ushered by Olivia the pair resumed their unhurried kissing.

Now that Amanda had gotten a feel for Olivia's breast, she wanted more. She began massaging them and just holding them in her small hands. The urge was not too strong for Amanda, she just had to taste them. Her mouth left her partners, and it began wandering down the side of her face and throat. Amanda couldn't resist suckling and nipping at Olivia's pulse point. She wanted to do everything in her power to please the brunette.

Amanda's hot open mouth had finally reached the tops of Olivia's breasts. Her hands grabbed Olivia's loose shirt and pulled the shirt up to the top of her stomach. Amanda noticed that Olivia's body had suddenly tensed up as she grabbed the clothing. She went to pull away from Olivia when the brunette pulled her back down.

"Don't stop Amanda," Olivia husked in her ear.

"Are you alright?" Amanda asked in a worried tone.

"Yeah, I'm just a little nervous."

"We don't have to," Amanda whispered.

"No, I want to," Olivia said while pulling Amanda's small hands to the hem of her shirt again. "

"Then what is it?" Amanda ushered into Olivia's soft neck. It smelled like vanilla and something uniquely Olivia.

"It's stupid," and for the first time that night Olivia looked embarrassed.

"I don't care. Tell me. I know this is supposed to me about me, but really this is about us."

"It's my breasts. They burn marks are still there Lewis, and no one has seen them but me." When Amanda didn't reply immediately Olivia quickly added, "See, I told you. It's stupid.

"No baby," Amanda said. She covered Olivia's opened lips with her own. "It's not stupid at all. If you want to leave your shirt on, I won't take it off, I swear," Amanda tried to be reassuring, while keeping the sexy mood alive.

"No," Olivia said in a firm voice. "I'm tired of being scared. "I want you to see them."

Amanda's lips joined with Olivia's again as she resumed her task of getting off Olivia's shirt. She finally got the shirt up to Olivia's neck. As much as she's wanted to, Amanda hasn't looked down at Olivia's chest. She finally has to break eye contact with Olivia for just a moment to get the shirt up and over her head.

"It's okay Amanda," Olivia whispered with love. "You can look."

Amanda took Olivia's permission and moved her eyes down to Olivia's chest. She noticed the small scars at first, but then they disappeared in her mind, and all she saw was her beautiful full breasts.

"Oh Liv, you are so beautiful." Amanda couldn't keep her mouth off any longer. Her mouth started laying hot open-mouthed kisses all her her tanned chest. Olivia's hands wrapped around her own back and she unclasped her bra. She thought Amanda might need some extra encouragement. Amanda got the message and grabbed the rest of the garment and threw it from Olivia's body. She didn't have time to compliment Olivia's body because Olivia's arms were behind Amanda's head pulling her closer to her chest.

Amanda grabbed a dark pink nipple and began to nip and suck at it. Her other hand came up to pull and twist the other. Olivia's quiet moa were beginning to fill the air around them. She never wanted Amanda to stop, but she knew they had to take it to her bedroom. She needed a sound barrier between them and Noah.

"Amanda," Oliva said while pulling Amanda up from her chest. "We need to take this to the bedroom."

Amanda couldn't agree more. Some how between the couch and Olivia's bed both had shed all of their clothing, except their lace panties.

"God Amanda, you are the beautiful one." Amanda blushed.

"Liv, I'm so happy, and I wouldn't want to be doing anything else."

"Olivia's gentle heart melted. She grabbed Amanda and lead her down onto the bed. "Now it's your turn to get pleased my dear.

Olivia began at Amanda's lips, but didn't stay long. Her mouth laid hot open kisses all the way down the blonde's thin jaw and neck. She quickly found herself at the blonde's tight pebbled nipples. Olivia couldn't resist a lip, but told herself she had to keep moving. She was determined to get to the juncture of Amanda's thighs.

Amanda's eyes widened when Olivia's lips began kissing the top of her pubic bone. Olivia was so close.

"Are you ready Amanda?"

"Yesssss," Amanda hissed.

With that, Olivia open Amanda's lips. Olivia and Amanda both moaned. Olivia's tongue to tease Amanda. It kept circling Amanda's clit, but never once did it go directly where she wanted it. Amanda's moans were getting louder and louder. She couldn't handle it anymore. She grabbed Olivia's shoulders and pulled her up.

"What Mandy," Olivia whispered.

"Get up here. I wanna cum with you." Olivia couldn't argue with that logic. The pair started to kiss with everything they felt for each other, but hadn't said. Olivia and Amanda's hands both reached towards the other's juncture. They both reached their destination at the same time and let out a loud moan.

"God Liv, you're soaking."

"Just for you, Amanda. Just for you." Olivia moaned.

They both teased until they couldn't stand it anymore. The only sound between the two were fast high pitched moans. The two were perfectly in sync. At the same time they sunk 2 fingers into each other.

"Ahhhh fuck,Amanda,"Olivia moaned loud and loud.

Their hands started moving faster and faster. To stop from waking Noah Amanda reached up with her lips and smothered Liv's with her own. The pair could feel each other's thighs shaking, and the pressure was so immense they each thought they were going to explode.

Olivia drew away and bit into Amanda's shoulder to keep quiet.

"Amanda…." Olivia couldn't help from moaning in between each word. "I...I don't… aggg!... think I can make it any… any…. longer."

"Come on then Livvey. Cum with me," Amanda purred. And with those words the two exploded into a million pieces.

When they had finally come down from their high Olivia collapsed on top of Amanda and rested her head in the crook of her neck.

"Amanda… that was…"

"Yeah... it was," Amanda panted back.

I was quiet for a long time before Olivia rolled over, and pulled Amanda flush against her chest. She started drawing small circles on her tight stomach. The two were silent for a very long time.

"Amanda…" Olivia whispered in her ear quietly.

"Hmm…" Amanda sounded back while half asleep.

"Go to sleep darling."

After Amanda had fallen asleep Olivia snuggled in closer and said into the air to no one, "Amanda I can't help it, I love you."

Olivia thought Amanda was asleep, but she wasn't. She whispered back to the night, "I love you too. Always will"

And with their last words, they both fell into a deep slumber.

**Please leave a quick review telling me if you liked it! I hope it was all that you guys wanted it to be. **


	6. Chapter 6

**I know it's been awhile guys! I'm sorry, but life has just gotten in the way. Between volleyball, dance, and basketball I don't have much time. Luckily for you guys our all-day volleyball tournament was cancelled so I now have time to write this. **

The sun was streaming in through the white curtains and directly into Amanda's eyes. She slowly opened them and was confused. _Where was she? _And then her memory kicked it- she was at Olivia's place, but where was Olivia?

Outside of the bedroom Olivia was watching Noah play while cleaning up his breakfast of yogurt and bananas. She heard the bedroom door creak open and turned her head towards it.

"Good morning," Olivia said to Amanda. She noticed that Amanda was only wearing an oversized t-shirt from own closet.

"Good morning," Amanda replied softly. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I thought I'd let you sleep. You deserve it."

"Thanks, but uhhh well I think I'll just get dressed and then go home," Amanda was rocking back and forth on her feet and looked extremely uncomfortable.

"You don't have to go, but if you want I won't stop you." Olivia was speaking in her calmest tone. She could tell Amanda was shaky about last night.

"No, it's okay. Fran needs let outside." And with those last few words Amanda turned around and re-entered the bedroom to collect her things.

When she came out a few minutes later Olivia and Noah were playing in the living room.

As Amanda reached for the front door handle Olivia called out to her.

"Amanda! Wait! I know this isn't the time, but we need to talk. How about sometime this week? Today is only Saturday. That way we both have some time to think it over?"

"Uhh yeah. Sure Liv. I'll call you when I'm free." Amanda hastily replied before shutting the front door behind her.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSUVSVUSVUSVUSVU

It was now Wednesday and Olivia and Amanda still hadn't talked. Olivia kept trying to go to Amanda, but she kept running away she was avoiding her.

Amanda couldn't bring herself to call Olivia, or even talk to her. She loved Olivia, but she was scared. She knew she was horrible at relationships, and knew she would mess it up somehow. She loved Olivia so much, and didn't know how to handle it.

"Amanda, can I have a word with you?" Olivia called from her office. She really wanted Amanda to come to her first, but she just couldn't wait anymore. She had to get her in a situation where she couldn't avoid her.

"Yes Sarg?" Amanda said while walking into Olivia's office.

"Shut the door and sit down please." Amanda could tell Olivia was trying to be serious towards her.

Once Amanda was seated comfortably Olivia's entire face changed from hard and serious to caring and compassionate.

"You ready to talk?"

"Liv, I've been meaning to talk to you, but I've had to be in court these past couple of days, and you know how busy we've been."

"I know. I'm not trying to pressure you. I just don't want to wait so long that we both just ignore it. It happened Amanda, and for me it was very real. I don't want to forget that."

"Me either. It was real for me too, and I never want to forget."

"Well then why don't you come over tonight after I put Noah to bed and we can talk there?"

"Okay."

**Sorry for the short chapter, but I have a lot I need to get done! If anyone has any ideas for future chapters let me know because otherwise I can see this wrapping up in 2 or 3 more chapters. Leave me your thoughts!**


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